Hello, me name is Rogerrr. I’m from Dooblin.

A friend of Mere’s mom joined us for dinner two nights ago. She is great! She speaks Japanese fluently and works for a Japanese advertising firm. Her English was pretty good, and of course, Sammi attempted to communicate through hand gestures (which was successful! pseudo). Our plan for the night was to go to Park 97 in Fuxing Park. It’s a club that apparently plays the best Hip Hop. So, we put on our hip-hop outfits (hahaha juuuuust kidding, but not really, Sammi and Mere looked liked Lil Wayne’s baby mamas) and took a cab. Mere’s mom’s best friend even came to drink with us for a little while. She got down on the dance floor with us. After she left, well…that’s when we broke out the real moves! The DJ played great music (our favorite place for music thus far), and we danced the night away. Refused drinks once again (tell me somethin, WHERE YO BOUSS AT).

The next day was perfect for the World Expo in Shanghai, a showing of museum-like pavilions from countries around the world. The weather was comfortable, not too hot or too cold. Woke up at a reasonable/later time to go thinking it would be less crowded. At this point, the expo became more of an expectation to attend rather than a choice because all we’ve been hearing is that the crowd will undoubtedly overwhelm you (the daily population averages about half a million, on a rainy day). Holy shit. It was like a damn Epcot for adults. The wait time for the German pavilion was over 5 hours. Can we get a…can we get a HELLL NOOOO! So, we decided to walk and simply enjoy the architecture. We probably walked a total of five miles. Yes, our feet hurt and we had to take multiple breaks but so? That’s a damn lot of walking so let’s leave it at that. Mere got into a screaming match with one of the workers. Convo as such:

::Roger sneaks into a pavillion::

Worker: YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED THIS WAY! GET OUT! ::grabs Roger by the arm::

Mere: DONT’ TOUCH HIM! DON’T FUCKING TOUCH HIM!!

Roger: Mere, you’re overreacting, it’s not a big deal, you’re embarrassing me.

The last pavilion we hit was U.S.A’s. We heard that if you told the American employees you were a citizen of the U.S., you could butt the line. We tried to find someone who worked there for five minutes but eventually gave up. Instead, we enjoyed T-Pain’s “Buy You a Drank” and DJ Unk’s “Walk It Out,” two songs that played while everyone waited in line. Hahahah whaaa? Greatest American contributions, thank you rap music. Not that we were complaining but are these two artists the most reflective of American culture? Eeeeenteresting. It took us 20 minutes to find an exit out of the expo. Mere carried Sammi a quarter of the mile. She gained weight. It was a long-ass day.

But alas! We mustered up enough strength to head out. We, along with our UMD friends, had previously attempted to go out to rooftop bar called Bar Rouge in the Bund but were rejected because of attire (uhhh not our fault we’re just sayin’, rollin in with some slum ass bitches). We did successfully make it in though, and the view was saweeeet! Unsurprisingly, the bar was a bit pretentious, and might we add, filled with HOOKERS GALORE! Mere had read earlier that a good amount of good-looking prostitutes go there (you know, to pick up the high-end clients). We spotted them immediately. They evenly scattered themselves around the inside, sipping on their drinks and observing the pool of unsuspecting victims (moooohahaha). Jk, no but really, they were definitely looking out for people. One of our observances went like this…

Mere: That’s definitely a hooker in the white dress next to you.

Sammi: Are you sure? She doesn’t seem like it…

Mere: Uh…yeah i’m positive. How many girls do you know that go to the bars by themselves?

…*continuous whispering between the two of us* Sammi hears the woman in white talk and…

Sammi: Oh shit Mere! Woman speaks English!

Mere: Oops?

Hahaha womp womp. We even saw an old guy picking up an Amazon-like hooker. Mad awkward and yet, we could not look away. Sammi, Mere and Roger picked their fave hookers. Sammi’s fave was a bad bitch with a tattoo on her arm and Mere and Roger picked the same hooker (good taste runs in the family). Needless to say, we were definitely the youngest and most immature. Hey, we’ll admit it. It’s not like our dance moves didn’t give us away or anything.

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Stuntin’ Is a Habit

Ohhhh what to say about these past days except stuntin’ is a habit, get get get like me mwuahaha. This one is dedicated to our loyal follower (Becca)!

We plan on going out every night before we leave. Gotta hit up those ballin’ clubs and bars with ridiculous views, music and people. We went out to Xin Tian Di on Saturday night. It is a wonderfully crowded area…bars galore! We stopped in one bar to get pretty cocktails and decided we would bar hop around the area. One of the lounges sold cigars…all Mere and Roger wanted to do was smoke a Cuban (yeah…they’re illegal in the U.S. and we wanted to be bouss). Unfortunately, some punk ass waitresses (who we could totally take) said we had to pay 200 RMB cover. Um…did ya wanna tell us that before we sat down? Yeah…that would have been great. A-holes.  Night went pretty smoothly after that, though. Had some ice cream (paint job) cocktails…not too shabbyyy. Who knew we were capable of chill nights and mature adulthood?

Two days ago, we visited a beautiful, peaceful cemetery on the outskirts of Shanghai. While the scenery was very zen-esque, the weather fucking sucked. We cannot even begin to explain how hot it was, except that we stepped outside and that shit hit us in the face (IN THE FACEEEEEEE IN THE FACEEEEEEE). Hot. Sweaty. Messes. Anyway, when you honor the deceased, you burn money so that they will have it in the afterlife. Fire + intense humidity=difficulty breathing (although it was prob the equivalent of a legit 2 hour work out oh heyy). It was quite a three hours.

That night, we went to a Mexican bar called Zapatas. If you remember, we had attempted to go there a few nights ago, but some lady wanted 100 RMB cover. On Saturday night, NO COVER OH HEY! It was like a sign from the heavens. The area was filed with expats, old-men and young gold diggers. One girl even had the balls to 1. ask Derek if he was married 2. ask how much money made 3. walk away when she didn’t like the answer. Girls are effing bold here! We met some nice people, refused some drinks, danced on a bar (but got no free tequila shots wtf). Yeahhhh pretty fun we’d say! We also took our UMD mates to Soho afterward just so they could experience the club. One of our latest nights by far.

Next night, we took the usual cab ride to our destination. Ha…funny thing is that the one piece advice we received about cab rides was not to take the maroon cabs because the drivers work for a private company. What color cab did we hail? Maroon. Nice one, Mere. Our skepticism about the cab only grew while we were in the car because 1. there was no picture on the dashboard 2. we didn’t recognize the route we were going and 3. the bund (our destination) was nowhere in sight for a good 10 minutes. Yeah…fear is a bit of an understatement. We were thinking about how we would knock out the cab driver and take the wheel. Ninja him BAM! Mere would have had to be killed first since she was in the front seat but as benevolent as she is, she was def willing to sacrifice her life for the survival of her little brother and Sammi. Lucky for him, we did not have to bust out these skills. Although, we did have to pay cash as opposed to using out card. Not sketchy or anything :/. The cab dropped us off on the street and we were all a-ok.

Bar Rouge. We looked damn good, but our fellow mates on the other hand were refused admittance b/c let’s not lie…they were slummin’. It’s rough traveling in packs sometimes. Kinda reminds us of freshman year (move in large/huge groups, don’t know the bus routes so walk long ass fucking distances…those were the good times. so naive. so young.). We plan on going back tomorrow night. Dress to impress ppl! We all ended up going to a place called Glamour Bar. Quite classy. Felt like we should be talking about art or some shiz (right, Kevin?). After that, we took a short ride back to Xin Tian Di bc the night was not ova! Waitresses tried to get us kicked out (AGAIN) for everyone not ordering drinks. Wth? Just rude, rude we say! We witnessed a few interesting things other than that…a small, old Chinese man groped a black woman. He straight up grabbed her butt and breasts. WEIRD/CREEPY. Who knew they were so forward here? She didn’t seem to mind though. Ew.

Tonight Sammi and Mere are about to get their hip hop on at Park 97, bought to break out that “We Be Steady Mobbin” and Biggie. We hope that we will win the dance contest.

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I See You, Jakesully, EYWWAAAA

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Shanghai Nights

Our first Shanghai club experience was just that, an experience. Babyface got renamed to Richbaby (not that either is really cooler than the other). We don’t know whether or not our tolerances are just higher or they put zero alcohol in the drinks but shit, we had 5 drinks (3 butterball shots, delish) in a span of an hour and felt NOTHING. We both wished we felt something because the dancing was indescribable. People were just rocking to their own beats (like Fe dancing but weirder), completely oblivious to the Jbiebs playing in the background (we were two less lonely girls). Sammi and Mere fell in love with a club dancer. He ripped off his shirt, smacked his ass, and wore a cute little belly button ring. Ali G was also in the house macking it to a Chinese girl. Overall, it was pretty fun, especially witnessing all of the characters. WE ALSO REFUSED DRINKS. We didn’t want to unintentionally agree to some sort of unspoken agreement (prostitution?). Yea, good choice. Very reminiscent of Turtle with the stage dancing and random Bon Jovi songs thrown in the mix.

Last night, we went to Soho Club. We were planning on going to this one place Zapata’s because it was supposed to be ladies’ night, but maybe ladies’ night doesn’t transfer her. Door ho was trying to make us each pay 100 RMB to get in! Let me get a hellllll noooooo. So we proceeded down Hengshan road to Soho Club. It felt like we were in an aquarium. The waiters were wearing rainbow wigs (weird) and blue lights flashed throughout the club. We noticed that performers seem to be a big thing in the club scene too. One performer sang “Superstition” by Stevie Wonder and Bon Jovi’s “It’s My Life” (Bon Jovi seems to be big here). We were groupies…we screamed and cried (no but really it felt like a concert). Weird dancing at this place too, shouldn’t expect anything different from now on. This midget man tried to dance with Sammi but Mere flicked him off (def could have taken him and almost everyone around here so no worries about safety unless he gots a shank).

Mere’s brother Roger flew in last night as well and since he’s landed, he’s been spilling forth these nuggets of golden wisdom, or perhaps just ridiculously witty jokes. For example, while getting fitted for our suits (AGAIN, MADE BY THE PAKISTANI PRESIDENT’S TAILOR BA BA BA BA BOUSS), the following occurred:

Sammi: Why are women’s suits so much cheaper than men’s?

Roger: Because women don’t belong in suits.

HAHAHAHA womps (hey Pat, Nietzche?)

HI NEEL, THIS IS YOUR SHOUT OUT.

Fin.

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Da-da-da-da-damn

Sammi and Mere, because we failed so much at going out (cockblocked by mosquito bites), decided to go to happy hour. It was the classiest happy hour we have ever been too, complete with margaritas and dirty martinis (call me Bond, James Bomd).

Afterwards, we went to dinner at this BA-BA-BA-BA-BOMB restaurant where Sammi had the best tofu of her life. The fish and the tofu were cooked in a huge pot in the middle of the table (pictures to come). It was a mixture of Melting Pot and Mongolian BBQ, but bomber. Great meal but BETTER night.

Mere’s uncle suggested we go to a German beer garden when we said we wanted to go out (continuity of our classy day, Sammi and Mere rolled up in Chucks, normal). Little did we know that this would be an AWESOME family affair. Sammi and Mere challenged Mere’s uncle and aunt to a drinking contest. Of course we won (Mere puked). We also accomplished our other goal of getting either Mere’s uncle or aunt drunk. This was facilitated through shots of Jager and Stoli. We realized Mere’s aunt was drunk when she started to shimmy and said that her boobs shook too much. We realized Mere’s uncle was drunk when he straight passed out when we got home. The music was from a senior citizen cruise but it was AWESOME. We danced the macarena and the electric slide (gotta get that dance party going, chyea). Sammi and Mere also got into another fight (we don’t remember about what).

No hangover this morning but we did wake up around noon (by the way, did we mention that we came back at 10:30? womps). We spent the majority of today souvenir shopping and got some very interesting gifts…ya’ll bettah appreciate. We had the mother of all soup dumplings, pictures to come soon. You sip the soup out of the dumpling through a straw. Mere is getting a suit made by the Pakistani president’s tailor (I see you Obama). Sammi and Roger will be getting in on this later. 

Tonight we’ll be heading over to a club called Babyface. The description literally says “the door policy can be anti-non-Chinese” aka Chinese only. Racist much? More stories to come after this night’s escapade (and hopefully no more fights or water throwing or puking or not knowing what we’re fighting about, but we did say this last time too so no promises). Hot messes out!

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Malaria and Day of Culture

Burst capillaries, the mother of all bites (Mere's)

Sammi's mother of all bites

Sammi’s wonk knee with about 10 mosquito bites (it’s a cycle)

Mere's wonk face with 10 mosquito bites

 

Chillin in Mao's study

Socializing with the Communists, the yooosssh

Please sir, I want some mo!

Big seat for Mere, little seat for Sammi

Sammi and her Asian boyfriend (replaced Addie)

 

When Sammi was a little girl, she had a bald head

Chillin in Mao's study

Good Communist soldiers

Museum of Mao

Mao likes to be touched

Bffs with Mao

Mao workin them fields

SUCCESS IN ORDERING! Mystery meal

Sammi eating our mystery meal

Derek, we scoped out your competition

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Malaria?

We opened a window the second night we stayed in Shanghai. What a terrible, terrible idea. In the morning, we woke up with bug bites. These ain’t baby bug bites either. The mosquitos feasted at a buffet! Mere had 65 bites, and Sammi ahd 52. Mere got 9 on her face HAHAHA WOMP. Sammi got one near her eye.  Wonk eye. We didn’t go out last night because of the bites either…shit is crampin’ our style! We figured they like American blood or something because we met up with some people from San Fran yesterday and she had a ridiculous amount on her neck. Pictures from our day of culture are also posted so you’re not too disgusted by a post purely dedicated to mosquito bites.

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